After a long, cold winter the days are finally becoming longer and lighter heralding the coming of Spring with its infusion of life-giving energies. This time of year can re-awaken our excitement for life, our desire to live and do things – some of you may already be feeling this to be very inspiring.
In life, in relationship, many people are longing to experience Passion. This is a dynamic, even intense sense of desire, enthusiasm, eagerness, lively positive interest that, when we feel it, can be FANTASTIC! It is like a tide of life-force that can empower and expand us to act with vigour and spontaneity, such that we surprise ourselves and others.
The poet Yeats wrote “A passion driven man sings out sentences that he never thought”. So this has been the muse for poets , the fuel for warriors and the bonding for lovers throughout the ages….. ……and yet how often we seem to settle for a life or relationship that is humdrum, bland or even tedious. Over time we can settle into patterns of behaviour and relating that are certainly comfortable and functional but rarely thrilling. When we are first getting to know someone there can be a strong desire which combined with the sense of newness, can make each meeting seem fresh and exciting.
In this first phase of relating passionate sex can seem to happen more easily. How come we allow our passion to fade? More importantly how might we ‘ignite that spark’ again? Well, as I always say – it begins with a choice – you look at your ability to be passionate in your daily life and perhaps consider how willing you are to become a passionate lover …someone who may be able to evoke that in another, and commited to making that last. I recommend that over the next week you take a few minutes to write a ‘passion statement’ every day. You answer a question like ‘Where do I find passion in my life? or ‘What made me passionate today’?
The teachings of Tantra remind us that energy can flow very powerfully between polarities, for example masculine and feminine. David Deida states in a very compelling way that many contemporary couples aim to create a kind of gender equality. This may mean the man becomes more caring and sensitive and the woman takes some of the decisions, or is the ‘breadwinner’. This is a healthy cultural development but it can tend to de-polarise the couple which would diminish the erotic charge between them. Thus in effect they suffer from becoming too balanced!
In my years of attending and leading Tantra groups I have heard the call from women that yes, they want men to be sensitive, listening and caring, but also there is a yearning for something wild or passionate from men. Many women are wanting to be ravished!!
They want demonstrations, from men, of feeling or being crazy with love and desire for them. This would convey an invigorating sense that you could ‘get carried away by the moment’ or ‘swept off your feet’.
This can be a sublime form of excitement – fiery , raw and vital! Men often claim they want a ‘hot’ or ‘passionate’ lover and yet they are not being that themselves. Many men become more animated and vocal watching sport than they do having sex!
What can we actually DO to open up the possibility for passionate meeting? As ever there must be some degree of willingness to at least play at this in our intimate moments. For the masculine partner to be more assertive, directional, even powerfully animalistic (whilst also remaining loving) whilst the feminine partner allows herself to surrender.
Although we usually think of passion as flourishing in spontaneity, in most relationships it also requires some degree of vulnerability and trust. So I invite you to consider the suggestion that a great way to increase sexual passion is to make time for that in your life.Actually schedule time for intimacy and /or pleasure. Pick dates, times and durations of ‘love appointments’. Be realistic, but also slightly challenging in what you plan. Then be aware that you may find all sorts of excuses to get in the way of actually showing up at the date. Keep the date anyway!
When you are first dating someone you are usually very excited and looking forward to the time together. You prepare accordingly. We shave, bathe, wash, wax and dress the body so that physically we look and feel special. We also mentally prepare with positive expectations and planning. This gives your partner and your own mind and physiology the message that this is a special,valuable and important occasion. Prepare for a love appointment in this way too.
Once in the date you give (and hopefully receive) focussed attention. You allow yourself to become fully absorbed in the moment. This is demonstrated through the presence in your eye contact, touch, listening. Use this time to enhance and deepen your connection – emotionally, spiritually, energetically as well as physically.
You can find new ways to enjoy physical contact. Surprise each other by sharing new visions and fantasies. Above all have an attitude of appreciation, even adoration for your partner …. and express that! As one of the Tantric scriptures says: “Where man and woman worship one another is the play of the divine”.
Yes go ahead and use words to tell them what it is you love and enjoy about them – you may compose or find some erotic prose or love poetry, or song or just say something simple but with heartfelt sincerity but also let yourself be spicy, naughty, outrageous!
To give you some more inspiration, I’ll leave you with this from Karen Karison:
“I love being lost in the sound that mud makes when it is soft and wet and begs your fingers to stay a little while longer, and please play some more in my earth. Smell this beautiful terafirma consuming you, begging you to forsake the skillful architecture of your hands to make a more marvelous mess, and I love you saying, ‘Look, I have found this branch of myself that I can use to dig your sweet red clay to death’ and I say ‘Yes, dig me baby. Dig me as if planting love like crocuses beneath the window of my hips.”